Amusing Quotes

well - I think they are...


A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's. She changes it more often.

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

"A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain." (Mark Twain)

"Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by spontaneously moving from where you left them to where you can't find them."

"Sure, everyone always said 'Socrates what is the meaning of life?' or 'Socrates how can I find happiness?', did anyone ever say 'Socrates, hemlock is poison.'???????" (Socrates minutes before death)

A lecture is a process where information is passed from the notebook of the lecturer to the notebook of the student without necessarily passing through the minds of either.

"If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice."

The man who follows the crowd will usually get no further than the crowd. The man who walks alone is likely to find himself in places no one has ever been. - Alan Ashley-Pitt

Women might be able to fake orgasms, but men can fake whole relationships.

Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody is looking. - H. L. Mencken

Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes.-Oscar Wilde

Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?

I don't suffer from Lycanthropy... I enjoy it very much.

What part of 'Thou Shalt Not..' did you not understand? - GOD

A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit. - the Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet. - Woody Allen

A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.

Any married man should forget his mistakes - there's no point in two people remembering the same thing...

"If life gives you lemons, squeeze the juice into a water pistol and shoot other people in the eyes."

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

"Not the brightest crayon in the box, now are we?"

Life is little more than a loan shark, in that it exacts a great deal more than the pleasure you get out of it.

"You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely."

If you steal from one author, it's plagiarism; if you steal from many, it's research.

I'm like a mosquito in a nudist camp; I know what I should to do, but I donít know where to start!

At the end of the money I always have some month left.

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

If organized religion is the opium of the masses, then disorganized religion must be the marijuana of the lunatic fringe.

On the 6th day God created Man, on the 7th day She said 'oh shit!'

The early bird catches the worm - but who wants to eat worms?

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

You should not confuse your career with your life.

Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

Never lick a steak knife.

The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight saving time.

You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 21.

The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we're above average drivers.

A person who is nice to you, but rude to a waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)

Your friends love you anyway.

Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

Thought for the day: Men are like fine wine . . . They start out as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

 

Anyone know any more?